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In my Mercedes first aid kit are always a standard equipment.

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numi wrote:...

Watch it Cat Woman!!!

I was going into business as an atheist, but there's no prophet in it

YYS4BOB wrote:I was going into business as an atheist, but there's no prophet in it

Lol, I like it Bob

"Hey lads, they're giving away free food, as much as you can carry!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haHsqO_HS3U

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a cougar heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the cougar is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious cougar! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young cougar halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the cougar. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the cougar, and tells him the Doberman's story and strikes a deal for himself with the cat.

The young cougar is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the cougar coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough
to hear, the old Doberman says ........

"Where's that damn squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another cougar!"

An old couple, Cyril and Edna, had lived together for many years, out in the country, tending to their land. Every year they had one day off when they would get dressed in their best clothes and travel into town for the annual fair. One year they arrived at the fair and, as usual, were taken with the great displays of farm equipment, home baking, new (and improved) household utensils. As was their wont, they then wandered out to the amusements to watch the young ones ride the amusements and listen to the screams and laughter as the young ones spun crazily around or tumbled over and over on the various rides.

This particular year they were amazed to find, on the edge of the amusements area, a sign proclaiming "Helicopter Rides". Cyril and Edna wandered over to see this new ride and there, parked on the rear field, was a new helicopter, sparkling red and white, in the afternoon sun. Cyril noted a man leaning on the fence having a smoke and approached him asking "How much are the rides on the helicopter?"

The man paused as he took another puff and then replied "$50". Cyril turned to Edna and said "Can I have a ride on the helicopter Edna? I've never been in one before...". Edna looked at him as if he was mad and said "No! $50 is $50 and we can't afford that much!". So Cyril turned away and forewent his helicopter ride.

The following year they arrived at the fair and, as usual, were taken with the great displays of farm equipment, home baking, new (and improved) household utensils. As was their wont, they then wandered out to the amusements to watch the young ones ride the amusements and listen to the screams and laughter as the young ones spun crazily around or tumbled over and over on the various rides.

Again this year they were surprised to find, on the edge of the amusements area, a sign proclaiming "Helicopter Rides". Cyril and Edna wandered over to see the helicopter, parked on the rear field, where it sparkled in red and white, in the afternoon sun. Cyril saw the same man leaning on the fence having a smoke and approached him asking "How much are the rides on the helicopter?"

The man paused as he took another puff and then replied "$50". Cyril turned to Edna and said "Can I have a ride on the helicopter Edna? I've never been in one before...". Edna looked at him as if he was mad and said "No! $50 is $50 and we can't afford that much!". So Cyril turned away and forewent his helicopter ride.

The next year they arrived at the fair and, as usual, were taken with the great displays of farm equipment, home baking, new (and improved) household utensils. As was their wont, they then wandered out to the amusements to watch the young ones ride the amusements and listen to the screams and laughter as the young ones spun crazily around or tumbled over and over on the various rides.

This year they were not surprised to find, on the edge of the amusements area, a sign proclaiming "Helicopter Rides". Cyril and Edna wandered over to see the helicopter, parked on the rear field, where it sparkled in red and white, in the afternoon sun. Cyril saw the same man leaning on the fence having a smoke and approached him asking "How much are the rides on the helicopter this year?"

The man paused as he took another puff and then replied "$50". Cyril turned to Edna and said "Can I have a ride on the helicopter Edna? I've never been in one before... and its my 80th birthday next week". Edna looked at him as if he was mad and said "No! $50 is $50 and we can't afford that much!". So Cyril turned away ready to forego his helicopter ride. But the man had overheard them talking and approached them, looking left and right to ensure no-one else could hear, and said "Look, it's quiet at the moment, I can give you both a ride in the helicopter but you mustn't say a word about it to anyone. That's the deal here... I'll give you both a ride but you cannot speak or say a word at all... otherwise I'll have to charge you $50!".

So Cyril and Edna both agreed they wouldn't say a word and the man led them over to the helicopter and helped them climb in. Once he had settled into the pilot's chair, he turned to them and said "Remember now ... not word must pass your lips during the flight and you must tell no-one after the flight or I'll have to charge you $50". Cyril and Edna both just nodded.

The man then fired up the engines and took off straight up into the sky. Cyril and Edna were amazed at how far they could see on the clear summer's day - almost to the next own in fact. They could see their house and then the helicopter turned round and the pilot said "hold on now and I'll show you some tricks". The next thing they knew he had the helicopter up to full speed and they were weaving about the skies, twisting and turning, rising and falling and then he practically looped the loop!

But before long the ride had come to an end and the pilot put the helicopter back on the ground. The man ran round to help Cyril out of the helicopter and said "I'm very impressed - neither of you uttered a sound during the flight. But remember not a word to anyone about the free ride!" Cyril looked at him, nodded his head and said "I won't tell anyone.... but I nearly said something when Edna fell out - but $50 is $50!!!!"

Ian

The last two were good ones

Sums me up pretty well