Where are the jokes in the forum?

[yellowfoden]

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on the plane from Cairns to Perth in Australia.
That's a very long flight so in the end the lawyer decides to make some conversation and asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, he even contacts members of the VBD forum , all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
******
Merry Christmas to all VBD members
Bert

[Tinman]

Warning: Scam victimizing Older Men

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, Publix, B.J.'s, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Sept. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.

So please, send this on to all the retired men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon

[Tinman]

Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices a big jar full of money behind the counter. He asks the bartender, “Hey man, what’s that jar? I bet there’s at least one grand in there!”

“Ah, you must be new here. It’s a challenge. If you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar.”

“Really? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people actually try that?”

“Sure.”

“Damn. Still, that’s a lot of money. I gotta ask, what are the three tasks?”

“Well, first, you need to go over to the bouncer over there. Yeah, the tall, muscular guy. And you gotta knock him out in one punch.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. Next, in the backyard we have this wild rottweiler. Nasty dog. Rabid. And it has a bad tooth. We tried having the vet over, but he won’t come anywhere near the beast. The task is to take out his bad tooth.”

“Uh huh.”

“And finally, there’s this lady upstairs. She owns the place. She’s quite old. Sixty five, maybe seventy. Very nice lady. She lost her husband a decade ago and, well … she’s lonely. The task is to go see her and give her some.”

“That is heavy stuff, my friend. Wow. It’s amazing that anyone thinks they can pull all this off. People these days… Anyway.”

The guy drinks his beer, and then has another. And another. And another. Now quite inebriated, he punches the counter and yells, “Whatever man, I’ll do your stupid challenge!”

He throws in a $50 bill, goes to the bouncer, taps him on the shoulder, and WHAM! The bouncer is down in one punch. Everyone in the bar suddenly groups around the scene and starts cheering frantically. The guy shouts, “Where’s the damn dog at?”, people push him to the backdoor, which he pushes. The crowd awaits, hearing nothing at first. Then, muffled screams, punches, scratches and howls coming from behind the door.

Finally, the door opens again, and the guy paces into the bar, slowly, his shirt ripped apart and stained with blood, breathing loudly. Finally, he throws his arms up in the air, and shouts in triumph! As the crowd cheers like crazy, he yells “NOW WHERE’S THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE BAD TOOTH?”

[fixer]

[motorman]

Great joke Joe, nice twist!!

[johnboy]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man say, “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

[Viewfield]

Dai was watching a Six Nations game in Cardiff.

In the packed stadium there was only one empty seat, right next to him.

“Whose is that seat?” asked a man in the row behind.

“I got the ticket for my wife,” said Dai. “But she died in an accident.”

“So you’re keeping the seat vacant as a mark of respect?”

“No,” said the fan, “I offered it to all of my friends.”

“So why didn’t they take it?”

“They’ve all gone to the funeral.”

[Viewfield]

The only cow in a small Scottish village stopped giving milk.
The villagers found that they could buy a cow in Wales more cheaply.
So they brought the cow up from Wales and it was wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
Then they brought in a bull to mate with the cow, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
When they put the bull in the pasture, the cow would move away showing no interest.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet,
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, when he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side,” they told him.
The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully,

"Did you by any chance buy this cow in Wales ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow from Wales ..
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales
The vet gave a loud sigh, and with a hangdog expression on his face, said.



“My wife comes from Wales”

[nickjones]

Animal Fact Of The Day:
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.

[johnboy]

I bought my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas, it wasn't her main present, it was just a stocking filler.